I have figured out what happened, through reading various things and doing a lot of soul-searching. it is very difficult to face this kind of reality about yourself, but it's impossible to heal and move on without confronting these things.
I did not believe I was worthy of being loved, I did not feel valuable, worthwhile or attractive. So when somebody really loved me, for the right reasons, I was happy for a little while, then I started to question what was wrong with him. If I was such an awful person, and he loved me, then what was wrong wtih him? He MUST be flawed in order to love me so much.
Subconscioualy I started to look for what could possibly be wrong with him. And of course, nobody is perfect, so when you look hard enough, you are bound to find something. And then I would push and push until it was unberable for him to stay, and he ended up leaving which of course, confirmed everything I believed about myself all along! It sounds so simple when you can take a step back and look at things rationally, but at the time, nothing makes sense!
I am really enjoying getting my thoughts down in writing :)
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