As an adult......

From the time I became sexually active as an adult, which happened at the age of 19, relationships turned sexual way too soon. I had far too many one-night-stands, and I realise now that I believed that I had nothing else to offer a man except sex, so I always gave that far too soon, and never actually gave a man a chance to get to know me. My self-esteem was, and still is, extremely low, but I am working on that!

Sex became a comfort zone, something that I equated with love, and I would do it way too early in any relationship so that my partner would not find out how awful I was on the inside. It's so ironic, because I was desperate for someone to love me for who I was, not for what I could offer him sexually, but I never let anyone in to see who I really was. The sex always got in the way and usually left me feeling empty and even more horrible about myself. I would wake up the next morning, desperate for the guy to tell me he loved me, but of course that very rarely happened. And when it did, I would find myself in a relationship where I was left very open to abuse and stayed in the relationships a lot longer than I should have, because the alternative was being alone and that was just too terrifying to live with.

I had an epiphany today- I realised that every single time I have had sex with someone who I didn't care deeply about, I was allowing the little abused girl who I used to be, to be abused over and over again. It was like a lightbulb went on in my brain and I suddenly realised what my life has been about. That little girl was calling the shots when it came to men and relationships, because she didn't know any other way to be, and the adult in me was allowing her to be abused over and over again.... what a horrifying thought but I am so glad I ahve realised this now, while I am still young enough to do something about it.

I feel like I have stepped out of a fog, and have a lot to look forward to.