My first post

This is a huge deal for me, this is the first time that I am "speaking" out publically about what I went through, but the time is right for me to do this, if only to help someone else find the courage to speak out and find their own voice.

I am a 40 year old mother, and recently ended my second abusive marriage. I have done a lot of soul-searching lately, and have come to a lot of conclusions about my life, which i believe may be of value to someone. 

I was a very lonely child, the youngest of three children, and my siblings are quite a bit older than me. I was also raised in a very strict fundamentalist Christian home, where sex was never discussed with the children. My brother, who is 8 years older than me, bullied me mercilessly and I believe these three factors left me very vulnerable to the sexual abuse I was subjected to.

My abuser was a teenage neighbour, and used to play with me. He gave me attention, which I craved desperately. One day he asked me if I knew how babies were made, and when I said I did not, he asked if I wanted him to show me. I was a curious child, always wanting to know everything, and that was how my lessons in Biology 1-0-1 began.  It continued for over a year I believe, and although I remember feeling uneasy and knowing that something was not quite right, I kept going back. I know now that child sexual abuse is a seduction, and he used to tell me how lucky I was that he was teaching me adult things but that if I told anyone, they would be very very angry with me. This is how abusers suck their victims into keeping secrets and telling lies, until the victim feels that they are a part of the abuse, and responsible for it.

I eventually told my sister but made her promise not to tell ANYONE, and she never did. She explained to me what sex was, and I believe she spoke to him, because it stopped after that. For months afterwards I remember lying in bed trying to sleep, terrified that I would have a baby and thus reveal everything to my mother and father.

The guilt was tremendous, and although I managed to suppress it as I grew older, I believe it was always there. I felt a lot of guilt over the fact that I kept going back, that I enjoyed the attention, that I kept the secret, even though I knew something was wrong.  Shame at the fact that I was no longer a virgin, and being a Christian, that was a HUGE thing. I carried a lot of fear that people would be able to see inside me and know that I was dirty inside. I was always terrified that people would find out, that they would just somehow know.  I also carried a lot of anger towards my mother that she did nothing to protect me, that she was too busy to realise what was going on. I was also angry at myself for a long time for allowing it continue for so long, even though I was a child. I am sure that every single victim of child sexual abuse goes through these emotions over and over, which is why so few abusers are charged and brought to justice.