Sabotaging decent relationships....

I have had a couple of decent longish-term relationships in my life, with non-abusive, decent, kind well-adjusted men. I managed to destroy every single one of them.

I have figured out what happened, through reading various things and doing a lot of soul-searching. it is very difficult to face this kind of reality about yourself, but it's impossible to heal and move on without confronting these things.

I did not believe I was worthy of being loved, I did not feel valuable, worthwhile or attractive. So when somebody really loved me, for the right reasons, I was happy for a little while, then I started to question what was wrong with him. If I was such an awful person, and he loved me, then what was wrong wtih him? He MUST be flawed in order to love me so much.

Subconscioualy I started to look for what could possibly be wrong with him. And of course, nobody is perfect, so when you look hard enough, you are bound to find something. And then I would push and push until it was unberable for him to stay, and he ended up leaving which of course, confirmed everything I believed about myself all along! It sounds so simple when you can take a step back and look at things rationally, but at the time, nothing makes sense!

I am really enjoying getting my thoughts down in writing :)

As an adult......

From the time I became sexually active as an adult, which happened at the age of 19, relationships turned sexual way too soon. I had far too many one-night-stands, and I realise now that I believed that I had nothing else to offer a man except sex, so I always gave that far too soon, and never actually gave a man a chance to get to know me. My self-esteem was, and still is, extremely low, but I am working on that!

Sex became a comfort zone, something that I equated with love, and I would do it way too early in any relationship so that my partner would not find out how awful I was on the inside. It's so ironic, because I was desperate for someone to love me for who I was, not for what I could offer him sexually, but I never let anyone in to see who I really was. The sex always got in the way and usually left me feeling empty and even more horrible about myself. I would wake up the next morning, desperate for the guy to tell me he loved me, but of course that very rarely happened. And when it did, I would find myself in a relationship where I was left very open to abuse and stayed in the relationships a lot longer than I should have, because the alternative was being alone and that was just too terrifying to live with.

I had an epiphany today- I realised that every single time I have had sex with someone who I didn't care deeply about, I was allowing the little abused girl who I used to be, to be abused over and over again. It was like a lightbulb went on in my brain and I suddenly realised what my life has been about. That little girl was calling the shots when it came to men and relationships, because she didn't know any other way to be, and the adult in me was allowing her to be abused over and over again.... what a horrifying thought but I am so glad I ahve realised this now, while I am still young enough to do something about it.

I feel like I have stepped out of a fog, and have a lot to look forward to.

My first post

This is a huge deal for me, this is the first time that I am "speaking" out publically about what I went through, but the time is right for me to do this, if only to help someone else find the courage to speak out and find their own voice.

I am a 40 year old mother, and recently ended my second abusive marriage. I have done a lot of soul-searching lately, and have come to a lot of conclusions about my life, which i believe may be of value to someone. 

I was a very lonely child, the youngest of three children, and my siblings are quite a bit older than me. I was also raised in a very strict fundamentalist Christian home, where sex was never discussed with the children. My brother, who is 8 years older than me, bullied me mercilessly and I believe these three factors left me very vulnerable to the sexual abuse I was subjected to.

My abuser was a teenage neighbour, and used to play with me. He gave me attention, which I craved desperately. One day he asked me if I knew how babies were made, and when I said I did not, he asked if I wanted him to show me. I was a curious child, always wanting to know everything, and that was how my lessons in Biology 1-0-1 began.  It continued for over a year I believe, and although I remember feeling uneasy and knowing that something was not quite right, I kept going back. I know now that child sexual abuse is a seduction, and he used to tell me how lucky I was that he was teaching me adult things but that if I told anyone, they would be very very angry with me. This is how abusers suck their victims into keeping secrets and telling lies, until the victim feels that they are a part of the abuse, and responsible for it.

I eventually told my sister but made her promise not to tell ANYONE, and she never did. She explained to me what sex was, and I believe she spoke to him, because it stopped after that. For months afterwards I remember lying in bed trying to sleep, terrified that I would have a baby and thus reveal everything to my mother and father.

The guilt was tremendous, and although I managed to suppress it as I grew older, I believe it was always there. I felt a lot of guilt over the fact that I kept going back, that I enjoyed the attention, that I kept the secret, even though I knew something was wrong.  Shame at the fact that I was no longer a virgin, and being a Christian, that was a HUGE thing. I carried a lot of fear that people would be able to see inside me and know that I was dirty inside. I was always terrified that people would find out, that they would just somehow know.  I also carried a lot of anger towards my mother that she did nothing to protect me, that she was too busy to realise what was going on. I was also angry at myself for a long time for allowing it continue for so long, even though I was a child. I am sure that every single victim of child sexual abuse goes through these emotions over and over, which is why so few abusers are charged and brought to justice.